As I was going home the other day on the bus I was thinking about my friend eho self harmed in the past as well. I would think about our conversations now and how they are normal. We talk about school and grades and about her cat. It just seems so surreal that we were ever in that horrible place in our minds. At that time everything seemed so bad and now it si so much better. But in my opinion the truth is that we even made it so bad. Because we could obsess about those things that made us suffer now as well but we choose not to. At first I did it because of stupid things taht everybody else feels – not being good enough and stuff, later ot was because of family problems. But in the very last stage where I kind of stopped but did it once a month maybe, everything around me was okay and it was only my mind that made me suffer. The thing I want to say with this is that you have control over your mind. And it was a choice to stop doing the physical action of self harm but also a choice not to harm my own mind. It occurs to me now that self harm is not just physical. It is not only the cuts or cigarettes on your skin, it is SELF HARMING YOUR MIND. You literally make yourself miserable by making yourself do such things. I believe that no matter how bad things are you can rise from the darkness. I am not saying that if somebody you loved died or your parents died and you got into an orphanage or stuff like that won’t make you depressed. It is most likely that in those situations everybody would get depressed for a while. But in every given situation you can make the choice to just go with what happened and keep on living with what you have. I’ve learned that you just have to fight and not give up. In my life there is always something that happens. I was always kinda happy and kinda sad and I was constantly on a rollercoaster of emotions. You see, I was this very happy smiley girl and everybody thought of me like that. And when these things happened it seemed like I wasn’t myself. Then I was trying to go back to this very happy state of my being but I just couldn’t and it really felt like forcing it. Therefore I learn how to be how I am now. I just try to fight everything that comes along and make the bets of it. And I also do what makes me happy which is one of the things that keeps me the way I am and what helped me escape all of that bad stuff.
The truth is that it is freaking hard to stop cutting and being depressed but, as I said in the beginning, it feels surreal how great things are now. I am not necessarily saying that our family lives have changed a lot. I am saying that we worked really hard on our minds to get where we are now. It almost doesn’t even matter how things are around you, you can stop cutting because the true things is that self harm is more of an action of self harming your mind, which makes your feeelings turn into action. I have been saying this from the beginning that self harm is more about what you feel and not the cuts on your body. It is about healing the wounds on your mind and heart. You just have to want to get better. It is only about how bad you want to be happier. I didn’t want to be miserable anymore. I knew that every time I wuld pick up a razor and cut I would be depressed and just where I was before. I just stopped because I knew that if I kept fighting I
could get HAPPY. And I sure did. (: