I figure that the only way for me to get through this is to write my way out of it. Even despite the fact that I am happy with the way I eat now and with the way I work out my eating disorder still keeps kicking in sometimes. For those of you who don’t know, having an eating disorder doesn’t depend on the way you look. You don’t need to look a certain way to have an eating disorder. An eating disorder is a mental illness which means that it is in your head and sometimes when it gets really bad then you can see it on the body, too. Anyway, there are days where I assume I feel bad about myself and on those days or it can be just a random day unfortuntely I start counting. Now, if you did have an eating disorder or do have an eating disorder then you know that counting means counting calories and that never ends well. Because of the fact that I once learned the calories of most foods I can still remember some of them to this day. I don’t think I will ever be able to forget for example the calories for like an apple or banana or bread. It is becasue I had it very often and I counted it often. So there are also “trigger foods”, I found out it’s called, which means foods taht you are afraid to eat because you would gain weight or there are too many calories or sg. Now, this is not that bad because ususally when I would have these trigger foods I am with friends so I don’t take it like that as much because it is like “a special cheat day” but I wouldn’t just normally eat those foods. Although I think that with those trigger foods I do kind of see numbers and think that I can’t possibly eat anything else because it has way too many calories. These foods are like pizza, kebab, ice cream, burgers. Man, I am afraid of burgers and ice cream, too. I do sometimes eat these foods but those are like good days when I am sad or like I don’ care. It kind of comes in wawes. actually. Like last week I ate badly and I felt like crap because of the poor quality of foods but as of right now don’t even expect me to try to eat a burger or ice cream. There are certain foods I avoid in general and I truly hope to overcome it someday. I want to just let go one day. But I fear that if I let go I am gonna gain all this weight and I worked too damn hard to do that.
The thing about camp is that I was totally out of control about what I ate. Technically. All I could control was how much I ate therefore I would get only as much as the younger kids and sometimes I didn’ even eat that. And what I mean by letting go is that I would just eat whatever I want and as much as I want. I am not there yet. But I have made a lot of progress since those bad times.
So this is where I am. It still affects me appearently. But I just had to write this and put it out there because otherwise I would keep counting and having these thoughts.
I know how it feels to have an eating disorder and I don’t think that I am fully recovered yet. I hope I will one day. I would say that I am like 90% recovered. That 10% is because of camp I think. Anyway, I am gonna try to tell my eating disorder to “Fuck off” as they say in “To the Bone” and go have some dinner.