To be honest, I don’t like that I have these disordered thoughts, the fact that I actually felt so bad that I self harmed, that I was so depressed each and every day that I couldn’t focus on studying, the constant body checking and mostly what started it all. You know, I would have never thought I would be a person who will go through stuff like that. I wouldn’t have thought that my father would leave and I would be left “alone”. I was a so called “daddy’s girl” which may sound cheesy but it is what it is and that is a tough void to fill. He was someone I looked up to, who I loved, who I was counting on to protect me later on in life. But my whole life turned out to be a lie basically and he was a jerk and I hate him now. Also, this best friend of mine, I loved him unconditionally for years and I gave him all I had which resorted in me having nothing in the end. I feel like it has been emotional hell with everything that has happened. It is a whole package of family problems and my own personal mental problems plus me trying to put everyone else around me together.
However I don’t want this to turn into a sobbing, sad, self-pity story because it is not that. Yes, I pad myself on the back that I actually went from the deepest, darkest, “wanting to die” kind of mindset to where I am now. But that is what it is. It is a story which happened but now I feel like I can move on. It is my past. I don’t expect or want anyone to pity me. I am simply not going to lie about the fact that it has been hard. But that doesn’t mean that life stops. Life goes on regardless. There are things that are much worse than this past of mine and that is exactly one of the reasons I fight against it all. Because there is poverty, hunger, misery, sadness in the world and I just wanna fix it. I wanna help. However these mental health issues are also very much real and they can lead to deaths of many by suicide unfortunately. And I would never ever want someone to feel like that or even consider it as an option. I want to show these girls and boys a good example. I want to show that YOU CAN stop cutting, conquer depression, fight the Eating Disorder ( still working on it ) and get your life back. Your feelings are valid and there is a better life out there than a life full of depression and mental health issues.