I went to school this morning and I was already struggling. And I went there, I tried to do eyeliner to kind of feel accomplished and more confident in a way and I failed. I felt like a failure that I couldn’t even do freaking eyeliner. I know that it is just eyeliner but in times like these I try to do simple tasks in order to feel better about myself but obviously eyeliner wasn’t a good choice. Anyway, I felt like a failure and I got an anxiety attack that was so bad that my head started to hurt and not even kidding I think I almost fainted there. I had trouble breathing as well so I have decided that I just had to go home. As I sat on the bus I was shaking like crazy, my head still hurts and I still have trouble breathing.
Anxiety just makes life difficult. I worry about not being good enough because I am extremely self-critical and a perfectionist. I worry about not getting As and having to get As. That is the perfectionism but also the fact that my mum is being hard on me and is only happy when I get an A and it is hard you know. To get only As from everything. I am not a fast learner and it takes an awful lot of time to learn stuff for me. And what happens is that I am so anxious generally that it makes me tired. It drains my energy and then I don’t even have the energy to learn. Then I am guilty for not learning which makes me even more anxious. Then I drink gallons of coffee in order to have energy but until then I am out of time so I don’t have enough time to learn for an A. And because I drank so much coffee I can’t fall asleep.
I want to fix it but in order to do that I need to calm down. We have like three tests tomorrow and one of them is German which just….I had a bad kind of anxiety attack during the examination so it went badly and I just can’t deal with that right now.
There are many more things which make me anxious like feeling not good enough and not confident enough in general for any guy and this sort of “I don’t even know how or if” past-present crush of mine. Let’s just say it is bad and I just wanna try to fix it but I will need to seek professional help because this is not a joke.