This is going to be raw and honest. I want to write the truth about our lows. I think that I may regret this tomorrow morning but I also feel like an awful amount of people might feel the things that I feel.
First of all, I worry a lot about the future, about how much I have to learn. I am very anxious. I worry about the fact how everyone is going to look at me because I know that sometimes I tend to get messed up and feel very sad and it affects my studies and it is something I don’t like talking about out loud with teachers. Most of them. I had amazing grades and I want to prove myself I could get them again but all of these mental things get in the way and it makes me feel even worse because for some reason I feel worthless without my As in the eyes of teachers. Yes, I did write an amazing play which I am proud of but that has nothing to do with school you know. It’s just something I love.
What also bugs me is taht I wnat to get tattoos and a lot of them I want to get on my arms and I worry that I won’t be able to find a job because of it. It is such an irritating concept because tattoos are a part of you, a way of expressing who you are and people telling you to cover them is basically telling you not to be yourself. How awful is that?
I am also kind of sad right now. I might even say depressed but I don’t want to be. I have many amazing things in my life but I just don’t feel it. I realise what a blessing it is to even be alive but I just don’t feel it.
I also worry a lot about love and finding someone. On one hand I feel like I never will find someone because I might be boring or too kind or whatever problem they have with me. I just don’t know how to do all of this love stuff. I have learned that I was obsessive which I fixed. I have learned that I was trying to impress guys which I just don’t try to anymore because I am sick of it. I have learned that I do have the looks in the eyes of some guys and my perception of me being ugly was simply the result of self hate and all the guys I liked rejecting me because of my looks and maybe other stuff that I don’t want to know. The best people I know are alone. Are some of us just too kind and good hearted to be with someone? Because from my observation they all fell for someone and got screwed over very badly. I also just wouldn’t know how to handle it all. Like, if the gyu I like came up to me and said he loved me and like let’s be together….I don’t know how to handle that. I am genuinely scared of anything that has to do with relationships and I genuinely don’t know how I am supposed to feel about someone liking me. Because I am in a limbo state. Most of the times I just think about the fact that it must be nice when someone likes you and wanting that but I feel like that is something I could never have. And when I convince myself that the guy likes me, then it just all goes to hell because I get happy about the fact that someone likes me but then they actually don’t so I am like…hm..okay.
Okay….it is already quite long so I am just going to end it here. I am just like…yeah….I want to get out of this all because a lot of it has to do with what you tell yourself. I feel like there is more to life. I feel like there is life out there to be lived and my feelings are just such a temporary thing. But my most honest confession is that I tried getting over the guy from summer and I realise that he is not good for me because I am not just an option so screw that. But I also still kinda lowkey like him and I think about him a lot because he is hot and this idea of who he is is nice but I know he is not as great as my mind creates him to be and I don’t know what to do with that.