I have been putting this off because even just a week ago I did have crushes but then I have decided that it has no point so I moved on. And that is the thing. If it has no point, then move on.
When I was younger I thought that I was going to meet this one person, fall in love and that would be it. I never wanted to go into a relationship thinking that there was going to be someone else. I am still not like that. It would feel wrong to be with someone and thinking “they are just a one time thing until someone new comes around”. However I have come to think that it is okay in one way. Living in the moment you know. You never know who you are going to end up with or when or how. There were guys who I liked but I knew they weren’t “The one” but I still liked them. Plus there are all these young kids 13,14,15 year olds or maybe older and they might have relationships. Odds are they are not going to end up marrying those people but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be with them. If you love someone and they love you, you should probably be together.
For now I don’t like anyone because those guys I liked don’t care and that is fine, too. I think that in the past I wanted this so much that even the chances I did have I screwed up. I am working on letting go of wanting someone. It is not like I need a relationship and I definitely did have chances to have one but they weren’t the right people. I only wanted one simple thing: “Someone I like to like me back.” It can be harder than it seems. But even if I got it, I wouldn’t know what to do with it because it is overwhelming which is why I think I need to work on and figure out how to react to that or how to handle someone liking me because tbh I can’t handle it.
And I have a theory. When I don’t really care about how things go, things go well. Overthinking makes things worse. I find it funny how life works because for example in the past I wanted to be liked and be called pretty, be cool for example. I kind of wanted it so badly that I almost pushed it away. Then I let go of that idea because it is stupid to want to be liked. It doesn’t matter. And now I am living out those things I wanted to have back then because I just don’t give a damn. It as always worked – I let go of something, stop caring and those things happen. Therefore what I think is that I should let go of this idea of wanting to have someone and it will happen. But before that I have to “be okay” with someone liking me and with “having a relationship” because even if you gave it to me right in this moment, I just don’t know how to handle it. Which is why I think that patience is a key. When the time comes, when you are ready, it will come.