I think about death a lot. Not because I want to die but because I actually really don’t want to. The idea that life could be taken away easily and all of this that we have – friends, family, memories, sunsets, crazy drunk nights, crushes, kisses…is terryfying.
There are 800 000 people who die due to suicide each year. To me death itself is scary and I use it as a way to live life to the fullest. I have thoughts like “What if today was my last day?” and “If you were to die this moment, what would you do?” It helps me because I take on chances that my comfort zone would never allow me to. It is also a way to cope with my anxiety and ED. Even now…we had these pastry-cracker things and I didn’t want to eat them because my ED said so and then I was like: “If I died today, would I eat them?” So yes, I did.
I think a lot of it is also toying with the idea of just how fragile life is and how easily they could end it. I don’t like the idea of death and yet some people would carelessly just kill themselves. I really don’t want to die but death is inevitable and necessary to keep this cycle going. Which is why I always try to make the most of it and do crazy things. Life is very very short because we are always required to do all these things – work, school, housework and so on. We get so caught up in trying to sustain our life that we forget to live it. Heck, I have already lived for almost 20 years and I don’t even know where those years went. This is why I say we have no time. Because there are days we just watch life go by and you won’t even know it and you will be 40, 60, 80, 100 if you are lucky. Most people in my family died before the age of 70 due to health complications which in my opinion is a result of their unhealthy lifestyles. Anyway, I hope you understand the importance of what a miracle it is that you are alive. Because it truly is a freaking MIRACLE.