I always feel obligued to be honest. I could lie hear pretty easily but I want this to be incredibly honest and also give you an idea about what goes on in the mind of someone with an ED.
This week I felt like I was eating too much. For some reason when I am with Crazy and Bow I feel happy and like I can let go. I eat a lot with them. It feels like a sort of escape from the ED even though afterwards I overthink and feel awful about my body. I was with Crazy this week and I ate a lot. I was with Bow and I didn’t even want to eat ebcause I was anxious. However in the end we ate too much maybe.
With the performance coming up, I don’t feel great about my body. I really don’t. I feel like I eat too much. I feel ashamed. I am anxious about it. I feel like nothing fits me or that it doesn’t look the way I want it to look on my body. I am totally giving into my ED thoughts and being negative. I feel tempted to restrict because of the role. I feel like I should drastically lose weight in one week which is impossible but my ED says that if I were to barely eat all week I could do it. I feel tempted to step on a weight after months to see how I am doing but I also know that it would go down this rabbit hole of obsessing over that number and stuff.
I really want to recover. I feel like I restrict all day which is why I then overeat at night. I am bored of the food I eat but I don’t even know what I would eat. I eat sandwiches, youghurt and apples every day. I don’t know what else I could eat that doesn’t require extra money and is healthy.
I could go on explaining but it would probably bore you. I don’t know how I am going to go about next week. I just know that yes, I want to recover but I also want to lose weight and eat healthier because I don’t feel good in my body but there is a thin line between eating healthy because you want to be healthy and eating healthy because you obsess over healthy food and have an ED.
p.s.: The right thing to do would be to eat healthy, start working out and be positive about it. Not restrict because it is going to ruin the happiness that comes along with the performace and the whole trip. I hope to be positive about it all.