This week was okay. I was eating healthy foods most of the time. I have decided like two weeks ago that I wanted to start eating healthier and work out which I do now. But the thing is that when I decide to do such a thing and then I have to eat something unhealthy, I freak out. I had this breakdown over one scoop of ice cream. We decided to get some with Crazy and her sis and first I said “Yeah, let’s do it. Life is short.” However immediately after that my ED went into craziness and I decided to say those thoughts out loud because then Crazy would hear them as well and she would help. She calmed me down. Nothing like that has ever happened to me. Usually I just keep it to myself and give into the voices. I also ate from this huge Milka Tender cake or so. I made it and life is short. But I don’t eat such things every day of course.
Here is the thing now. We got this fancy scale for Christmas and we haven’t used it yet. Until now. I don’t use the scale because it doesn’t affect me in a positive way. I stepped on it today for the first time in like 9 months. It shows you your weight, BMI, body fat percentage and a lot of other things. I am not happy with what I saw. Which is why I want to lose weight of course and also work out. Basically it showed that my BMI was higher than what’s healthy for me and my body fat percentage is also high and all those things in general. This is what makes it hard for me to recover. I might eat a lot sometimes because of anxiety and occasional depression. But I also eat a great deal of veggies and healthy foods. I still have fear foods and disordered thoughts, yet I am medically overweight.
I eat more protein, more veggies, less carbs, a bit less in general and I work out. It is for my health. But it doesn’t mean I am healed. This is exactly why I keep struggling. We’ll see what happens. My fear is that I will be at the same position as last year during camp. I enjoy eating healthy and working out. I believe I will lose weight eventually thanks to this. But I will freak out if I will have to eat ice cream and such. I started this recovery so that I can overcome those. But once I start, I just keep eating my fear foods. Which is how I ended up here in this position again. Now I am overweight, unhealthy and feel bad about myself. However I refuse to stay in this position. I could maybe try eating healthy for my health every day and on Fridays or Saturdays I could eat something unhealthy as a challenge food. Because if I exclude all unhealthy foods, I will just have mental breakdowns whenever I have to eat them again.