The ED Recovery Diary – week 24 – I always want to LOSE WEIGHT

So this week was a bit different. I was sick for the most part and the other parts I simply didn’t have an appetite. I still don’t really. I truly don’t know what it is. It is not the ED. I just don’t really feel like eating much. But I did eat many great foods yesterday that I kind of made myself avoid. This includes cereal, sweet pastry, salty pastry and ice cream. It is kind of stupid. I never really eat these things unless it is like a special occasion or so. I don’t consider them to be healthy so I simply avoid them. However that is kinda stupid. Life is beautiful because of things like cereal and ice cream. They should be enjoyed every once in a while.

You know, if I really think about it, my lack of appetite could be because of the ED, too. It is summer for me already and I watch tv shows, youtube until very late and sleep very late so I kinda start my day with lunch. Which means I skip a meal. I eat less. And I already lost weight because I work out as well.

I also realised a very important factor about camp. We had this huge water container there where you could drink but the cook ladies put mostly sweet water with sirup in there. And that was a huuuuuuge problem for me. Let me explain. I drink A LOT. Like 4 liters per day, which is a lot but there is also a sad reason behind it (you can read about it in the book when it comes out one sunny day in the far future). And this weet water has many calories because sirup has many calories. I know this for a fact. And I didn’t have my water bottle with me all the time and I don’t know whether we could drink the water from the taps (I can’t remember tbh) but I had to drink taht sweet water most of the time. And that made me resctrict so much because I was drinking my calories and it was messing with me so so much. I had my “Alaska pants” with me and rigt now they kind of fit me but they are thight. I could not wear them out. I left for camp in them and they fit me just fine. At the end of camp, they were literally loose. Crazy remembers.

And that is so unbelievable and hard for me to process because if those pants were loose, I was really skinny back then. You know, it is just so freaking insane that in my head, I was huge and needed to loose even more weight back then while those pants were loose. I think that is part of my Body Dysmorphia. I can’t wrap my head around how stupid this ED can be. There was no time in my life since my ED started where I didn’t think to myself I had to lose weight. And that is the truest and saddest thing I know when it comes to the ED.

Now I am at a point where I think I look okay. I look at other girls who are even heavier than me and think to myself they look amazing. Therefore I really want to do the same for myself. I still want to continue working out because I want to be stronger, have some muscles and abs but I also want to be able to simply enjoy my food without thinking about the consequences. It is a work in progress and always will be.

VSCO - a-happy-place

Accomplishment of the week: Eating those “banned” foods and realising I don’t need to lose weight. I look okay. 

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