It is 11:37pm right now. I am supposed to be asleep so I could wake up tomorrow and get back to my routine of studying for my finals. But I believe this is worth breaking my sleep schedule for.
We get so caught up in our routines. I get very caught up in routines. Especially this year with finishing high school. And I feel like for a long time now I focused more on how many people read my blog and not even really on enjoying it. I used to have so much passion for writing and now I got lost in trying to get more people to read it which is so sad. Anyways, I think it partially has to do with depression. I have been in this state of just feeling nothing basically. I did like a boy or two but not that much because we didn’t even talk. Now the guy has a girlfriend which I expected. And I tend to be very happy around people because they do make me happy. Everyone thinks I am this happy, positive person. I try to be because I want to show others you can beat anything and you can do anything but ironically I am one of the saddest people I know.
I also feel alone sometimes even thought I have two best friends, an amazing brother and so on. I feel like people don’t care for me as much as I think they do. But then I hear things like: “I have a present for you. I can’t wait to give it to you.” And if you think about it, that person thought about you when picking that thing out and you were on their mind. How awesome does that feel? You are not as alone as you think.
I also have this feeling of “What am I supposed to do after high school?” It just feels like too soon. I am excited but also like…it is an awful thing when you have so many people you love there at one place.
I dunno. I don’t want to make this too long. This is the video that inspired me to write this. My point was that I get depressed very often and yet I am a girl with a huge smile. I don’t mean this in the cheesy, poetic kind of way. I mean it in the realistic, raw, teenage kinda way.
p.s.: I wrote this when I was still studying for finals and I felt sad. I think it is safe to say that even after years I still struggle with depression sometimes. But as of right now, I am doing very well. I am HAPPY. (: