It’s been over half a year. Half a year I have been trying to fully recover. I did come further than where I was in the beginning of this which is the point but I still have a long way to go.
I actually do better when I don’t think about stuff like food, weight, looks and so on. Which is what the ED is basically. There are days when I totally forget and when my friends gives me food, I just take it without thinking. Those are the golden days. Or when I say “FUCK IT!” and eat pop corn and feel like “LIFE IS AWESOME!”. That is how I would want all my days to be. But that means letting go and I didn’t think control was a big issue in my ED but appearantely it is. Sometimes I just go about my day barely eating anything and it doesn’t feel like much of a deal but it is wrong because my ED feels in control but then I am out of control. Sometimes I don’t even notice I am hungry.
I am losing weight. Because for like a week I woke up late because I watched tv shows and skipped breakfast. And now I feel like I purposely want to skip breakfast every day. It is so fucking hard to just let go and go about my day and eat when I am hungry. To have days when I eat more and say it is okay because I was simply more hungry that day. Or to eat less on some days because I was not that hungry that day. Or to just decide to get pizza with friends that is not on a Friday. It seems so simple in the mind of a normal person. In my mind that seems crazy. In my mind it goes like – “You can’t eat that much. You have a certain amount of food which is normal for you to eat and you can’t go above or below that. And pizza not on a Friday? Friday is the day you can eat unhealthy things but not too many of them and if you mess this routine up then you just gonna get pizza every day? Two days a week? Three? That is so unhealthy. You are going to put on weight and feel awful about yourself!” This is what goes down and, if you think about it, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! I read it and I feel stupid. It is all these rules I have that make it so hard. How on Earth am I going to go on a date with food? Well, once I did and all I thought about was food and that I had to eat ice cream and I was all weird.
Well, at least I realise I have a problem. I feel like I should make a list of food rules and tackle them and then just keep doing them. That is what I did with oil and oatmeal and I never ever went back.