This week was not that great. I had to wake up every day pretty early cause of rehearsal. Then one of the leads got sick so there was no performance at all unfortunately. And I was working all week. So it was all messy and I was just eating what I could grab and take with me.
But…Thursday I went to a party and I we had salad and fries there. I ate the salad of course because I love salad and I was hungry. But my friend’s mum told me to eat fries as well because I would not be full from fucking salad. XD She was right of course but I had a long battle in my mind until I came to that conclusion. I didn’t eat much cause you know….ED. I was not working out at all this week. It was a conscious choice because I wanted to make a mental change and see how that would affect me. It was bad. My ED was just there. The party? It was there. Oh, but it was so much fun. Then I ate cake. I wanted one more piece but my ED was like “NO!”. But we drank of course. I have to say something which really helped. They are so supportive. They are like a personal cheerleader team. They stan everything you do and I feel like it is okay to simply be yoursef with them. Most of the time I feel very self conscious that people would make of every little thing that would be wrong. And they are like “Your stomach hurts? period? Is it something you ate? I have both pills. Here you go. I feel you sis.” Something along these lines. WIth everything. So it was easy to just be myself and do whatever. Which si why I was at midnight like “FUCK IT!” We ate ice cream and crisps and drank. Good thing I don’t consider alcohol as calories. I know it has some for sure but I just don’t care. It felt so good. It felt like letting go. I wasn’t even that worried about it. Just a little bit to be honest. I am always a little. But when it is a good enviroment, I say “To hell with it.” and just eat the thing.
When I have these moments of letting go, I think to myself “Is this what normal is? Is this how other people feel about food?” Because these days I put on my outfits, I feel good in them, look in the mirror at home and I like it. Then I go out, avoid all mirrors at public places and see pictures and I get sad. That is the truth.
I also ate McDonald’s this week. My friend was kind enough to buy me some. It amde my day. And I didn’t hesitate. Only a little tbh. That is an accomplishment on it’s own I think. But I know what I want to do. I just need to make a bigger effort towards it. I just want to eat more protein and do workouts I love and bike and skate on top of it.
I came to this conclusion from this week, when I work out, I feel better. When I feel good, I look good. I don’t feel good now and I don’t think I look good now. It could be better. It is okay but I am not my best self.