This week I ate ice cream every day until we ran out of it. I didn’t feel bad about it at the time. I feel like this week was normal. This week was like what most people feel like and eat like.
Though I have to say that I haven’t been feeling my best looks-wise. It is also kinda stupid because as you might know, I kind of try to avoid mirrors but I work in a clothing store so there isn’t really a way around it because there are many of them. I look in those and I think I looks okay and good but my mind is also looking for flaws to point out. I also kinda restrict when I work because it can be easy. I am just busy and it makes me want to put off eating but then I do eat of course.
I feel like I am in this limbo phase. I can eat normally on some days but on the other hand the ED is just there. And it is as if it stops me from doing stuff. Like I can’t truly enjoy anging out with friends. Like, we eat pop corn or ice cream, McDonald’s. I like it, it feels like rebelling but it also feels like I am doing something wrong.
So I am also doing fine but I am also not. I want to work out but I just don’t have the energy. Maybe from eating poorly. I haven’t really eaten many veggies this week. I am having a battle with myself over my last year self at this time and this year’s. I was much thinner last year, happier that “I looked good” but that “I can’t eat that, it’s gonna make me gain weight” mindset is my problem. Yes, I was thinner but I was also eating almost too healthy. Because I freaked out over ice cream. It is a really long process of finding the right way of eating. It is more so the right mindset to be honest. I think I am getting there though.
Giving into my disordered, bad thoughts makes me lose weight which my ED likes and I do, too. But the problem is that it never ever stops. And when I don’t give into them I gain weight because it feels like freedom and then I usually just eat whatever and a lot of it because otherwise I “don’t allow” myself to eat it. So this creates this endless cycle because I gain weight, I become unhappy with myself, I fall into making myself eat very very healthy again, then become more unhappy with not being able to eat other things and literally just enjoy life so I eat bad things again. This goes on over and over. It has been for what? 5th, 6th year. So you get why I am trying to break this right?
Maaaan, it’s just bad. And camp next Saturday? Not being able to control anything I eat? That’s just terrifying. PLus the meat thing? Bitch. I am not really kean on meat. Chicken is fine, maybe some occasional ham and maybe “schnitzel” but like that’s about it. YOu know what? It’s just gonna have to work out. That’s it.