My Mother – A Poem

My mother doesn’t know I have an Eating Disorder,
She often brings pies and sweets and I eat them
anxiously thinking about the calories and the fact
that I am probably going to wake up heavier the next day.
My mother doesn’t know my whole self harm story,
She thinks I did it that one time over Christmas break,
She doesn’t know that I have only been truly clean for about 5 months now.
She doesn’t know when I felt bad, I used to cut.
My mother doesn’t understand the word „depression“,
I keep explaining it to her
But a dictionary definition doesn’t seem to be the answer either.
My mother doesn’t know I was suicidal,
She doesn’t know about the letters,
She doesn’t know that I thought about it in the past.
She doesn’t know I don’t anymore.
My mother doesn’t know I still struggle.
She doesn’t get it that I don’t care about my father.
She doesn’t know I write about these things.
She doesn’t know how much I went through.
However…
My mother does know I love her
And I know she loves me, too.
I wouldn’t like her to know all of this
Because this is my burden, my war
and I choose not to let her know.
I want to fight it on my own.